Robert Muldoon's Guide to Caring for a Dinosaur version 2.0
Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 6:00 amThe following book was written while Robert was drunk so please excuse the harsh language- John Hammond
Chapter 1
You are an Idiot
If you are reading this you are either extremely stupid or a rich dumb *** (so what if you aren't rich sue me you *******). So you want to own a dinosaur, well whoop dee freaking due. You are just like that rich old fart Hammond. You rich people are all the same, anyway back on subject. So i'm guessing you have seen what John Hammond has done at Jurassic Park. Ah John Hammond the rich old fart who is currently sitting on a pile of money wearing a white suit like he's some escaped mental patient. So now you want to own one of these little abominations, excuse me beautiful creatures. Well old Robert Muldoon the sexy game keeper will show you rich ******** how to care for one of these little *******.
Chapter 2
Your ******
In the simplest terms your ******. Dinosaurs are nasty little buggers who will gladly tear your balls off and shove them down your throat. I mean I've seen some **** that would make you people piss yourselves in fear. We had a T rex who I fondly nicknamed Crusher that turned navy blue when he was pissed off, imagine that. Seeing a 20ft tall T rex turning navy blue when pissed off, thank god we found his weakness to be Celine Dion music. Apparently T rex's like the sound of My Heart Will Go On, go figure. See what genetic manipulation does? Anyway the moral is that if you have a pissed of T Rex just play some Celine Dion and you will be fine. Next chapter we shall discuss how to take care of Herbivores
Chapter 3
Herbivores
Ok so you saw some Brachiosaur s and you said to yourself I want one, well your an idiot. Herbivores are nothing but dung producing, stupid oversized cows who crap all over your nice Persian carpeting. Anyway here's the basic information you'll need to know.
Diet: Seriously you just asked what they eat? It's in the name *******.
Mating: There's nothing more horrific then the sight of two Brachiosaurus making sweet love. I don't know how Garry puts up with it. I lost a rather expensive lunch that day.
Living Space: Anywhere big enough so they can eat and crap.
Chapter 1
You are an Idiot
If you are reading this you are either extremely stupid or a rich dumb *** (so what if you aren't rich sue me you *******). So you want to own a dinosaur, well whoop dee freaking due. You are just like that rich old fart Hammond. You rich people are all the same, anyway back on subject. So i'm guessing you have seen what John Hammond has done at Jurassic Park. Ah John Hammond the rich old fart who is currently sitting on a pile of money wearing a white suit like he's some escaped mental patient. So now you want to own one of these little abominations, excuse me beautiful creatures. Well old Robert Muldoon the sexy game keeper will show you rich ******** how to care for one of these little *******.
Chapter 2
Your ******
In the simplest terms your ******. Dinosaurs are nasty little buggers who will gladly tear your balls off and shove them down your throat. I mean I've seen some **** that would make you people piss yourselves in fear. We had a T rex who I fondly nicknamed Crusher that turned navy blue when he was pissed off, imagine that. Seeing a 20ft tall T rex turning navy blue when pissed off, thank god we found his weakness to be Celine Dion music. Apparently T rex's like the sound of My Heart Will Go On, go figure. See what genetic manipulation does? Anyway the moral is that if you have a pissed of T Rex just play some Celine Dion and you will be fine. Next chapter we shall discuss how to take care of Herbivores
Chapter 3
Herbivores
Ok so you saw some Brachiosaur s and you said to yourself I want one, well your an idiot. Herbivores are nothing but dung producing, stupid oversized cows who crap all over your nice Persian carpeting. Anyway here's the basic information you'll need to know.
Diet: Seriously you just asked what they eat? It's in the name *******.
Mating: There's nothing more horrific then the sight of two Brachiosaurus making sweet love. I don't know how Garry puts up with it. I lost a rather expensive lunch that day.
Living Space: Anywhere big enough so they can eat and crap.