The Warriors Universe of Randomness and Insanity

Have you got a game, book or movie you'd like to make a story out of? Want to expand on a story or plot that stopped? Have an original idea for a story that you want to post somewhere? Here's where to do it. Basically an RPG where one player controls ALL characters in the story.

The Warriors Universe of Randomness and Insanity

Postby Hopeflower » Sun Jun 08, 2008 12:10 am

The Warriors Universe of Randomness and Insanity

Chapter 1--HOLA DARKCLAN!!! YAAAY!!!


Leader- Snowstar--slightly (very) crazy white tom

Deputy- Darkpetal--black she-cat on medications

Medicine Cat- Looooongwhisker--pale tabby tom (Apprentice, Squeakypaw)

Warriors- Grayfeather--gray she-cat who sings opera with her mate, Fearscream

Fearscream--pale brown tom who sings opera with his mate, Grayfeather

Littlestream--light brown tabby she-cat

Butterpelt--pale ginger tom who enjoys eating and rolling around in butter for some reason no one has ever explained yet

Smokecloud--oddly named white she-cat (Apprentice, Stormpaw)

Pinkpatch--pink and white she-cat who is obsessed with her looks

Pinkpool--pure pink she-cat (no one is sure why she is all pink. It is thought that she fell into a bucket of hair dye when she was a kit and liked the color.)

Apprentices- Squeakypaw--tom who speaks in high-pitched, squeaky tones

Stormpaw--dark gray she-cat, who sings opera with her parents, Fearscream and Grayfeather

Queens- Silverflight--pale gray she-cat with a lazy eye

Kits- Twigkit--brown tabby tom who is anything but normal

Hawkkit--gray and brown she-cat

Elders- Earear--a rabbit who is convinced he’s a cat


It was a quiet night. Too quiet. It wasn’t normal. Well, not to Snowstar anyway. Even though it was about midnight, he thought the cats should be awake and working around the territory.


Now, to any normal cat, this would’ve been enough to have them running from DarkClan territory. But DarkClan was not normal. In fact, they were probably as far from normal as cats could get.

A rock, accompanied by a shout of “SHUT UP ALREADY!!” flew from one of the dens and struck Snowstar in the head. He staggered around for a moment, then began singing the Barbie Girl song in the most tone-deaf voice you’ve ever heard. And he sang it over and over.

Finally, Looooongwhisker woke up and walked up to Snowstar, dragging a huge pill with him. “Time for your happy pill, Snowstar,” Looooongwhisker mumbled sleepily.

“But I don’t WANNA take my happy pill!” Snowstar whined.

“EAT IT NOW YOU FREAKING IDIOT!” Looooongwhisker yowled, his bloodshot eyes snapping open in a streak of insanity. He slammed the pill into Snowstar’s mouth, and forced him to swallow it without any milk!

Snowstar choked and struggled for a moment, before finally swallowing the ridiculously large pill. “That hurt!” he shouted at Looooongwhisker.

“TOO BAD!” Looooongwhisker ran back to his den, cackling insanely.

Snowstar muttered a few things that sounded horribly like, “I love Twoleg food” and “I should kill them all…”

Then, a Twoleg monster pulled up beside the DarkClan camp. The bright, almost eye-meltingly colorful lettering on the side read “HOLA FROM MEXICO!!”

A lone cat got off the bus.

His fur was gray. Dark gray. Very, very dark gray. And long. Very, very long.

It was…

It was…

It was…!


“What did I miss?” Graystripe asked, looking around, wearing a Mexican sombrero and holding a plate of nachos in one paw and a jar of salsa in the other.

Snowstar looked at him strangely. Then the crazy leader smacked his forehead and groaned, “Oi vey…”

Chapter 2--The Owl of DOOM and DESTRUCTION

“Haven’t you like, read The New Prophecy?” Snowstar asked, lowering his hand…erm…paw and staring at Graystripe like he was nuts.

“Sure have!” Graystripe chirped, grinning goofily.

“Then you should know that you were captured by Twolegs and--”

“Oh, I know,” Graystripe meowed cheerfully, waving the paw he held the salsa in happily. Or maybe it was to stir the salsa. We may never know. “They sent me on a first-class trip to MEXICO! And I got this really cool salsa that’s only made in Mexico. Isn’t that awesome?”

“Uh….not…not really,” Snowstar meowed, confused to no end.

“WHAT?!?!? How is it NOT awesome?!”

An owl sat watching Snowstar and Graystripe’s argument. It wasn’t just any owl though…it was the Owl of DOOM and DESTRUCTION!

“Aha!” hooted the owl. “I have you now!” He swooped down at the two cats and screeched, “We’re going to be learning about MATH today!” He grinned creepily at the cats.

“Graystripe?” Snowstar whispered, his eyes widening.

“Yeah?” Graystripe muttered back, staring at the obviously insane bird in fear.

“If I dyed my fur black and put red contacts in, would I be considered ‘emo’ or ‘cool’?” Snowstar asked quietly.

Graystripe turned and gaped at him. “THAT’S ALL YOU CAN SAY?!?!” he shrieked, completely dumbfounded. Not only because black fur with red eyes was like, the definition of emo, but because now HE was considering dying his fur WHITE and putting in BLUE contacts!

“What is the Circumference of a circle with a radius of 12 meters?” the owl hooted loudly.

Graystripe and Snowstar writhed on the ground in pain. “My nachos!” shrieked Graystripe as his chips and salsa smashed and spilled all over the ground.

“I KNOW THE ANSWER!!!” screamed a new, extremely high-pitched voice as SQUEAKYPAW bounded across the clearing and tripped over Graystripe, flying into a tree. Squeakypaw groaned and shook his head before blurting out, “75.3984 meters!”

“AHHHH!!!” screamed the owl. “You weren’t supposed to KNOW THAT! I must FLEEEEEEE!!! But I’ll be BAAAACK!!” He flew away into the darkness, his feathers ruffled.

“Thanks, Sand…erm…wait…Spotted…no…Squ…Squeak…SQUEAKYPAW!” Snowstar meowed. “You are like SOO good at this…MATH stuff!”

Squeakypaw beamed at his leader. “Thanks, Snowstar!” he meowed in his squeaky voice of high-pitched squeaky awesomeness.

“I think you’re ready to become a WARRIOR!” Snowstar meowed. “And maybe one day I’ll make you MY DEPUTY! And then when I die you’ll be SQUEAKYSTAR!”

“Like, CHA!” Squeakypaw meowed.

Snowstar bounded into his den in the side of the Highrock. He rode the elevator up to the top, humming to the elevator music, and once he stepped out of the elevator, he drew in a deep breath and yowled, “WAKE UP YOU LOT! WE’RE, LIKE, TOTALLY GONNA NAME A NEW WARRIOR!!!”

This time, warriors and apprentices tripped over each other in their haste to obey their leader. Even a few StarClan warriors flew down from the sky and landed beside Snowstar.

Squeakypaw looked up at his leader, quivering with joy.

“So…um…yeah,” Snowstar meowed, not used to getting the attention of so many cats at once. “Spotted…no…SQUEAKYPAW is ready to become a warrior, after a BUH-RILLIANT display of math skills.”

A few of the warriors muttered amongst themselves, but it sounded like “blah blah blah chatter chatter chatter whisper whisper whisper mumble mumble mumble” to everyone around them.

“So, Squeakypaw…you will be now known as…uh…hmm…ah…gimme a sec…” Snowstar pulled out his iPod and started listening to Hollaback Girl.

“SNOWSTAR!” several of the cats seated beneath the Highrock cried out, slightly annoyed.

But Snowstar merely stood up and started dancing.

Darkpetal, the DarkClan deputy, leaped up onto the Highrock and yowled, “Squeakypaw, you will be known as Squeakytail. Star-what’s-a-ma-hooey honors you and…yeah.” She leaped down and touched her muzzle to Squeakytail’s head, and he took a huge bite out of her shoulder for respect.

“CHOCOLATE!” he blurted out.

Darkpetal looked at her wound and shrugged. “Oh well. CLAN, go back to what you were doing before Snowstar started listening to Hollaback Girl for the 987,654,321st time in his life.”

Snowstar’s song finished and he leaped down to Graystripe, who was rubbing salsa onto his pelt, crying.

“Err….okaaaayyyy….” Snowstar meowed. “You’re weirder than BUTTERPELT, and that is like SAYING something!”

Graystripe meowed, “DUDE, just leave me alone, DUDE, can’t you see I spilled my nachos and salsa DUDE?!”

As everything faded to black dramatically, Snowstar screeched, “I LIKE CHEEZ-ITS!!!!”

Chapter 3--The New, All Like CLAN, Whatever, Uh

Snowstar sighed. And sighed again. And then sighed some more. Then a strange SCENT blew into the camp!

“INTRUDERS!!! LIKE OH MY STARCLAN WE’RE GONNA DIE!” the crazy leader screeched at the top of his lungs, then proceeded to faint and fall off of the Highrock.

“God, why do you people, um, cats, whatever, have to BE like that, uh,” said a flat, boring voice.

“Like, God, like,” said a new voice that was slightly higher-pitched but no less dull. “Maybe, uh, they are all like, crazy, all.”

A small group of cats padded into the DarkClan cat and stood blinking around them, taking in the box that was the apprentice’s den, the Highrock (with elevator, all, installed, like, and a flat screen, uh, TV with like surround sound and an, all, X-box hooked up), the high-tech warrior’s den (with like, hot tub, mud baths and huge, all, boom box, whatever), and the nursery, which was all like a hospital, uh.

“Like, whatever, all,” said the first cat in the flattest, most dull, boring voice you’ve ever heard. “We are like, the um all BrackenClan. And you will, um, give us your territory or we’ll have to go like all crazy, violent, whatever, on you.”

“The BoringClan is more like it!” Darkpetal meowed loudly, before she padded off to the warrior’s den to take her happy pills.

“How dare you, all like insult our Clan,” said the second cat to speak in an even more (if that was possible) dull and boring voice. “We are, uh, like, perfect, flawless, whatever, all.”

The leader said (he didn’t even meow cause it’s all like, impossible, whatever, all, for them to be like, normal cats…whatever…), “I am like, Moon. Whatever, all, and we’re like taking over your territory, all.”

Snowstar chose this moment to wake up and yowl, “I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY!”

“Ahhhh, whatever, all,” said the cats in BrackenClan (BoringClan, hah) as they were attacked and all like MAULED by the DarkClan cats. They fled in the most boring way possible, with Moon calling over his shoulder, “We will like be back whatever, all.”

Snowstar looked around him and meowed, “For once I’m glad we’re all like CRAZY, whatever, uh.” His eyes widened and he shrieked, “OH NO! THEIR HORRIBLE SPEECH IS INFECTING ME! AHHHHHHH!!!!”

The Clan all like GASPED whatever, all, as their leader began speaking in boring tones. “STARCLAN HELP US!” Squeakytail screamed, sounding like a she-cat with his high-pitched voice.

“Whatever, all,” Snowstar said.
Last edited by Hopeflower on Sun Jun 08, 2008 3:23 am, edited 2 times in total.
"Gotta have a little sadness once in a while so you know when the good times come."
"Talent is a pursued interest. In other words, anything that you're willing to practice, you can do." ~ Bob Ross

"The future is always uncertain and painful but it must be lived." ~ Unknown
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Postby mega raptor » Sun Jun 08, 2008 12:20 am

Random and funny-I enjoyed it. :D I think I would have got some of the humor better if I had read the Warriors/the Warriors RPG, but still, I found it funny. Much better humor than what I could do, certainly.
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Postby Hopeflower » Sun Jun 08, 2008 1:48 am

Thanks, MR. I'm enjoying writing this fic. XD

Chapter 2 is up and like all random, whatever, uh...
"Gotta have a little sadness once in a while so you know when the good times come."
"Talent is a pursued interest. In other words, anything that you're willing to practice, you can do." ~ Bob Ross

"The future is always uncertain and painful but it must be lived." ~ Unknown
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Re: The Warriors Universe of Randomness and Insanity

Postby Iceking » Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:26 am

I'm still laughing form reading the events of the first chapter. Good job, hf.
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Postby C S » Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:42 am

Dayum, Loneclaw has a best friend.....
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Postby Hopeflower » Sun Jun 08, 2008 3:24 am

You're damn right, he does, CS!

Chapter 3 is all like up, whatever, all.
"Gotta have a little sadness once in a while so you know when the good times come."
"Talent is a pursued interest. In other words, anything that you're willing to practice, you can do." ~ Bob Ross

"The future is always uncertain and painful but it must be lived." ~ Unknown
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Postby Pyronychus » Sun Jun 08, 2008 8:50 pm


I could barely stop myself from laughing out loud reading that! I found Chapter 2 to be especially entertaining.

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Postby Doc 42 » Sun Jun 08, 2008 9:26 pm

I didn't enjoy it. It was random, I'll give it that, but it wasn't even that random. And even then, random doesnt equal funny. The first and second chapters were pretty much boring for me but the third was good enough, I enjoyed the Brackenclan cats speech (For some reason I imagined them with a south dublin accent, which really suited them)
And even then, it was only ok, being to short and with only one real worthwhile gag.
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