PlanetStar and the Claws of a Loner

[C S]

Up in the sky above the forest, the cats who died in battle, died in birth, or just plained died watch the clans in silent vigil, but not interfering with any events that can cause time paradoxes of levels that only man can traverse, and levels only most monkies, apes, whales and dolphins can understand. They send messages through the dreams of cats, who when they wake are pissed that they have been screwed with while they slept and now they have to figure out a complex prophecy before all hell breaks loose. But aside from this, this place, Starclan, is pretty boring. No one knows this like a star clan tom, who made a living by going..in the under ground market...


"CAT NIP! GET YA CAT NIP! FINEST IN STARCLAN!" Loneclaw yowled to a group of mice in their main tunnel chamber, which was shockingly huge, big enoug to fit 10 cats and the entire mouse population. The head of the mice chattered "MY GOD! YOU ARE A CAT FOR GOD's SAKE?!" Loneclaw raised and eye brow "God? Who's god?" The mice squeaked angrilly " I DONT HAVE TIME FOR YOUR STAR CLAN BULL! I have a colony to run, like your clans, and they're freaked out by a dead cat selling rocks as CAT NIP! WE'ER NOT CATS!" Loneclaw hissed "My supplier skinked out on me man! If I dont make a profit today I'll go hungry for four seasons!" The mouse squeaked slowly "You......are......dead....it doesnt matter...." Loneclaw inhaled and yowled "CAT NIP!" The mice squeaked in unison "HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE!?" Loneclaw thought back to his attempts, stealing a mouse suit ment for a human, failing to put it on, crying like a kit for a few hours before breaking down the tunnel, finding some rocks and plopping them in the cat sized hole to sell to mice. Which didnt make any sense what so ever... mice were bums, they didnt have any money. Loneclaw yowled "GET A PAYING JOB YA F*CKS!" and walked off, steaming with anger. The tom was now a few feet from the home of the mice, his body glowing as he became transperrant and rose to the night, moonless sky. When Loneclaw landed on his cloud, a black and grey cat was pointing his paw at Loneclaw, his lips curled in an unwelcomming snarl. "Not today Red" Loneclaw growled, plopping onto the glowing silver ball of cotton like fluffiness. Red, who wasnt red at all, lowered his paw, pulled his toung up and down his legs before laying on his back and putting on his ipod nano ear phones and listening to peanut butter jelly time. Loneclaw snarled with boredum. His sister in law hated his gots, his brother was now deputy, way to busy to be bothered, but come to think of it, he never seemed to be around. Must be with the random kits plopping about every where... "I hope Snowclaw doesnt know I drugged him to put him to sleep and moved hims somewhere completely different than where he was one time when he ran away...to piss him off"

Planetstar, the former leader of Riverclan appeared. He appeared happy, but he had longing for being alive, being what he wasnt when he was alive. He was a starclan cat! He was invinsable! He could come to the rescue of kits in peril, assist in ridding the clans of evil! He basically wanted to be a super hero. Oh, if only he had the courage to turn his back on Starclan...


Mean while on the South Jersy shore

"Mr.Snugglewugglytuggly!" A pudgy woman in a bed robe said in a tone you would talk to babies in. She was obviously wealthy, her robes had small opal buttons, the pink robe made from silk imported from Japan. Her room was basically a hanging box with a rope bridge to get to the door. Under the suspended box was a green house, where all sorts of exotic plants were grown. Mrs. Wexler thinks it helps her sleep. Mr. Wexler is currently on a buisiness trip and sent his traveling companian, a persian cat to keep his wife company. Though his real name IS Snuggles, Mrs. Wexler calls his the above, Mr...Snugglewuggly...tuggly...

Snuggles walked casually over the rope bridge into the suspened box, which was covered in pink lace on the exterior and was covered with red velcet carpets and wall paper on the inside. Suggle mewed "You called?" (Of coarse his owner didnt understand) Mrs.Wexler petted Snuggles and said " dont get into any trouble as I sleep, K?" Snuggles mewed "Of coarse not you fool, you tell me that every night and when you wake up Im right next to you purring like the vibrator function on your constanly ringing cell phone! No, really, would it kill you to change it to vibrate once in a while Your "Im a barbie girl" ring tone isnt just annoying, it's trampy" Mrs.Wexler climbed into her bed, pulling the lace covers over her and quickly drifting into sleep. Lace comforts her for some reason. Snuggles walked out of the box, jumping down to the ground which was 10 feet down from the rope bridge. Snuggles trotted by the carnivorous plants, the venus fly traps, the plants having been slightly genetically modified so they actually moved their stems, and they were 5 feet tall....and they ate more than flies...

Snuggles reached a lump in the soil the plants were grown in. He uncovered the lump, a metal floor was revealed. The floor then split in 2 and moved in away from each other, a pad scanner as revealed. Snuggles put his paw on th scanner, a computerized voice said "Hello Mr. Juggleboobs" Snuggles looked apalled and hissed "DAMMIT! ITS MR SNUGGLES! ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE A BLONDE? I THOUGHT COMPUTERS WERE SMART! GOD! GOOD LORD!" While the persian ranted his henchman, a stray cat name Barns (A gray bengal) who finds his way into the mansion via air ducts mewed "Computer screwed up with your name eh?" Snuggles hissed "Ill be thinking of an evil name." Bans licked his paw and mewed 'What arewe going to do tonight?" Snuggles replied the thing we do every night..TRY TO TAKE OVER TEH WORLD!" Suddnly, music that seemed to be the back ground music to Pinky and the brain started playing. Barns mewed "Burrito's are ready." Suggles mewed giddilly "Ooh, buritto's im starved, did you make nacho's too!?" barns mewed "Er.....no" Snugges hissed "HOW CAN YOU FORGET THE NACHO!? YOU HAVE MUCH TO LEARN GRASS HOPPA!" The 2 cats walked off to the kitchen.


"Watcha doin Red?" Loneclaw mewed, seeing the cat type rappidly on a blue mac laptop. Wait, Red...blue laptop...irony? More irony is that apples are red, but its a blue mac laptop, eh, who wants to read about that? "Role playing on some text RPG website." Loneclaw mewed "Really, what's it's name?" "RPGTransalvania.com" Red mewed. Loneclaw blinked and growled "Starclan dammit, thats a g*y way to avoid a copy right infringment!" Red growled "Wont work any way, sinse this entire situation is described in some one's fan fic." Loneclaw mewed, intriuged "Who?" Red mewed "Ty-tyran-tyranno...really long name, only its with lizards that are supposed to be dead" Loneclaw hissed "Oh my Starlcan, this is obviously an old Starclan prophecy!" Red mewed "Or who ever is writing this is ripping the entire story off" Loneclaw mewed "naw, this isnt Epic movie, Meet the Spartans, or Godzilla Final Wars" Planetstar mewed "im gonna go hunt" At the same time on Skull Island, two venatosaurs were discussing who would jump onto a rock platform partically exposed in a river.One jumped. As Loneclaw mewed to Planetstar "I WANNA COME TOO!" Screen, lard ball, juggernaut, or any other name assosiated with anything lacking a gravitational pull roared the same statement, jumping over the land based Ventatosaur, landing on the rock platform in the water and breaking it into small peicies as well as killing the raptor. The land Venatosaur hissed "I hope to god he didnt make it to White Castle"

"And Thats where kits come from Loneclaw" Planetstar mewed. Loneclaw looked, eyes wide. "Kits come from....wisconsin..." he growled.

Sometime later, the two cats walked the forrest, puncing at what would be preym but it all too soon recurred to them that ehy were dead and hunting to them was window shopping, looking at things the couldnt buy... I did not rip that of from 50 cent's song. So, after abbandonning the attemt, they started speaking of their wants and aspirations. It was better than sitting around Starclan all day. Like I said from the beginning. Starclan was boring. Cats depicting it a s paradise should be ripped apart. Panetstar growled "Im looking down at the clans, and things arent promissing. Look at Thunderclan! Every one is going "WITCH!" to a poor apprentice trying to live a normal life. And the fact that Tigerclaw, I mean, WE SENTENCED HIM TO 9 MONTHS HARD LABOR AND HE STILL WON'T LEAVE THE CLAN ALONE!" Loneclaw mewed "I never found out what happened to his kits" Planetstar mewed "They were put up for adoption" Lonelcaw growled "Good for them" Planetstar purred "Indeed" The former Riverclan leader shook his head and mewed "Now back on topic, I wish I could do something instead of letting the clan's go down a raod to chaos!" Loneclaw whispered "There is a way.." Loneclaw muttered something iaudible into Planetstar's ear, like the random giberish whispering you'd hear during a cartoon when a very complex plan was being divulged...though, what would happen wouldnt be complex

at all.....


Planetstarstepped into the yellowishlight of the dawn, a yellow cape with a black lightning bolt on it waved in the wind. He had a mask, which was a yellow ski mask, with holes in the top for Planetstar's ears. the ski mask had a rip in it in a zigzagging pattern, the silver glowing fur of the cat filling in the lightning bolt like cut. Planetstar also had a full yellow cat suit. Planetstar mewed "I am proud to be Planetstar now!" and Loneclaw, who stepped into the light with a brown paper bag, badly colored blue with holes for his eyes, nose, and ears as mask, had a blue cape with a yellow smiley face on it and blue baby booties on. Loneclaw mewed valiently "I AM ...CLAWS OF A LONER!" Planetstar looked at the cat and mewed "G@Y, you will be my sidekick" Loneclaw mewed "Awsome" A few mintues later, the two cats appeared on a mountain, watching Lion King esque like over the valley. The are reall retarded for thinking they can see crime from the mountain, for the trees block everything. Loneclaw yowled "TO THE CAT MOBILE!" The two cats jumped in a red wagon with the words "Loneclaw's butt sat in here" Written in blue magic marker. The wagon rolled down the already steep mountain, it hitting a rock and spiraling downwards in midair. Loneclaw screeched "THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME! THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME! DAMMIT! NO PLACE LIKE HOOOME!" A bright white flash was visable and the cats appeared on their cloud. Red was still typing away on his laptop. Planetstar was about to say something, but Red said "I pushed the emergency teleportation botton, though, I didnt need to, even if you hit the ground you'd still live." Loneclaw mewed "Jesuspaw Christ!" A white cat walked up behindLoneclaw and mewed "Yes?" Loneclaw mewed shocked "LOOK AT THIS VIEW! Me and Planetsar can easilly be super heros now!" Jesuspaw mewed "You know you cant interfere with clan affairs!" Planetstar hissed "Good going Loneclaw, now goody two pawswill squeal." Loneclaw looked around suspiciously. A few minutes later, Loneclaw threw a sack in a partially frozen lake in Sibrirea, Russia. He mewed in a bad Itallian Mafia accent to Planetstar "He wont be talking any more" Jesuspaw mewed ".....you just threw out a turd sack into a lake..." Soon enough, fishes floated to the surface. Loneclaw mewed "We'll give you five bucks to not talk" Jesuspaw mewed "Deal"


The duo of cats appeared back in the valley, a squirrel dropped an acorn infront of their eyes. Planetstar mewed "STOP EVIL DOER!" The cat zoomed into the trees, the squirell squeaked "Lay off the bong man! NOT COOL! NOT COOL!" Planetstar grabbed the squirrell, throwing it down to Loneclaw, who punched it a few times. The squirell hissed "NAW MAN NAW!" and pulled out a magnum pistol. Loneclaw mewed "WITCH! WITCH THE CRAZY MOTHAF*CKA IS A WITCH!" The squirell opened fire, loud bangs echoing through the forest. Loneclaw dropped the squirell, which promptly kicked him in a sepcial place. Loneclaw laid on his back, gasping, a paw over where the bullets hit, or would hit. Planetstar mewed "Dammit man, your dead" Loneclaw rasped dramatically "No...I WILL be dead...go on...with out me...." Planetstar mewed "Your okay" Loneclaw denied it. Planet star mewed "Yor okay" again, Loneclaw dening again. Planetstar mewed "Your sevearly injured. Loneclaw denied it, hopped to his feet and mewed "Time to bust down on some villains" Planetstar hissed, twisting Loneclaw's mask around. Loneclaw wriggled wildly. "PLANETSTAR!" He yowled "I CANT SEE!" Planetstar turned the mask around so Loneclaw's holes matched up again. Loneclaw sobbed "It was soooo dark...I couldnt see....I WAS SOOOO SCARED!" Lonclaw hugged Planetstar, who hissed "Keep the slight homo things until we beat a true villain and save the day..or until this fan fic is over."


Lepordstar mewed "I am the most AWSOME cat here, Did you see AWSOME I was at the gathering Afropelt?" Afropelt "HMMM! WHERE THE HELL WE HMMM!" Lepordstar mewed "The lake territory" Afropelt mewed "HMMMM HOW DA HELL DID WE GO FROM THE VALLEY TO THE LAKE HMMM!!???" Lepordstar mewed "Read the RPG" Afropelt mewed "WHAT RPG HMMMM!?" Lepordstar turned his laptop, another mac, but it's casing was decorated in a lepord stripe pattern. "RPGTransylvania" Afropelt mewed "I PITTY THE DRACULA!"

Loneclaw jumped out of a burning house with a black and orange kit in his jaws. He landed on the concrete outside, placing the kit down. "Your safe now random cameo kit!" Planetstar mewed "ANNNNND CUT! Excellent Loneclaw, this will be great when we give in our movie to save people from making our movie when we'er famous." Loneclaw mewed "Great, but we should put out the fire" Planetstar whistled, walking over to the building's base and turned around. He was in a sitting position, his rear end lifted off the ground a few inches. Then a trickling sound was heard, Loneclaw coughed and mewed "Er....people do live here man....." Planetstar mewed "Sweet relief" The fire was put out, smoke bellowing up.The tom duo was now back in Starclan, peering down on the clans. Red was calling tech support. When they picked up, he mewed "I cant read my email" Afropelt mewed "Did you enable cookies?" Red mewed "Ya" "Clear your cache?" Afropelt replied. "Twice" Red mewed. "Plugged in the computer?" Red was about to say something, but then saw the plug out of the outlet. "....Thanks" He mewed, hanging up his wireless phone. Afropelt yowled "I PITTY THE FOOL" Suddenly, a kid was kicking a cat around. "HOLY CRAB CAKES BATMAN!" Planetstar looked at Loneclaw wide eyes. "THERES TROUBLE A-PAW!" Loneclaw jumped out of the cloud, Planetstar following. A few mintues later, Loneclaw mewed "HALT EVIL DO'ER!" Planetstar mewed "The hell man, your the side kick, you dont say the heroic line!" The kid mewed "YOU WILL NEVER KNOW ABOUT MR.SNUGGLE'S PLAN TO CAPTURE CATS AND PUT THEM TO WORK MAKING HIS ROBOT'S MISSILES AND TOILING IN SWEAT SHOPS TO MAKE KNICKS KNACKS!" Loneclaw mewed. "K. Thanks" and pulled out his starclan sniper rifle, having loaded it with a tranq in less than a second, faster than the image in your head could be made. Loneclaw pulled the trigger ad the kid fell, dead. A computer chip on the side of his head crackled with electricity and fell off. "Who ever this Snuggles is, he has alot of technology, surely" Planetstar mewed. Loneclaw mewed "Dont be like IcecreamKing on this RPGTransylvania website!" The Starclan cats floated back up to teir base. Half way there, Loneclaw mewed "That tranq dart was too powerfull and it killed him AND OH GOD ITS HAPPENING TO ME!" Planetstar mewed "Who's god?"

[Iceking]

I find this rather funny. Good job, cs.